Stages of spiritual development: a comprehensive guide

Most of us are familiar with intelligence quotient (IQ) tests. In 1995 Daniel Goleman published Emotional Intelligence a groundbreaking book based on the idea that how well you did in life depended not on IQ but on EQ, your emotional quotient, that is, how well you got along with others. Perhaps there is also a SQ, a spiritual quotient. Your SQ would be how far along you are on the spiritual journey as mapped out over the centuries by various spiritual thinkers.

    In the sixteenth century, Theresa of Avila and John of the Cross outlined the stages of the spiritual life, from complete union with evil to complete union with God. 

     In the first stage, that of pagan life, one gives into temptation and doubt about God and lives in desolation. Eventually, through the grace of God, one may be converted to belief in God. This can occur rapidly (the “born again” experience) or gradually over time. 

    During the conversion stage, doubt about God disappears but temptation remains strong, so to survive spiritually one must move to the next stage, which is purgation, or “the dark night of the senses.” One must separate from evil by purifying one’s senses and learning virtue, and the best way to do this is through active contemplation, particularly prayer and scripture study.

    Eventually, one gets to the stage of illumination, or spiritual betrothal, where the spiritual life is going well and there is lots of sweet consolation. It’s like being engaged to be married to God.

    The next stage is shocking because it seems as if God has abandoned you. In this stage, temptation is gone, but so is consolation. The thinking here is that God has not actually deserted you; instead, God is trying to move you from a faith based on feelings to a faith based on conscious decision, a much more unshakable faith. In this spiritual desert, which people like Mother Teresa went through, doubt is strong. The only solution is to keep choosing to believe.

    The final stage is divinization, not that you become God, but you are in total union with God. All temptation and doubt are gone. You are fully your beloved’s, in spiritual marriage.

    Soren Kierkegaard (1813-1855) had a more generalized map. In the aesthetic stage, the sole focus is on self-centered pleasure. Eventually, you realize this is causing yourself and others great pain, and so at this point, you can choose to enter the ethical stage. In this stage, becoming “holier than thou” is easy until you realize you also fall short of your ideals and need God’s help to be truly holy. When you surrender to God’s grace, you enter the religious stage.

     Empirical research on stages of faith has been conducted in the past twenty years. By conducting thousands of interviews, James Fowler of Emory University mapped out six stages.

    Briefly, in magical faith, one thinks of God as a cosmic Santa Claus. In mythical faith, one takes every scriptural story as historical, scientific fact. In group faith, one believes whatever one’s group believes. In personal faith, one starts asking questions like “what do I really believe?” Here, people often feel they are losing their faith, but they are actually going deeper. In paradoxical faith, one accepts paradox, for example: Jesus is the only way to God, and yet there are other ways. In sacrificial faith, one becomes willing to lay down one’s life for principles like justice or freedom for all people, not just those of one’s own religious tradition.   

    SQ, like all spiritual things, cannot be exactly quantified. You cannot say your SQ is 100 or 160. However, if over the years, you have a deeper, more contemplative, loving, ethical, grace-filled and service-oriented spirituality, if you can embrace paradox and all people, and think freely for yourself, you can be assured, given the spiritual maps above, that your spiritual IQ is growing.

Bruce Tallman is a London spiritual director and educator of adults in religion. http://www.brucetallman.com

Why Marriage is Hard: Exploring Challenges and Solutions

Songs and movies create fantasies about romantic love, and the wedding industry creates even greater fantasies about marriage. However, romantic love is fickle, and marriage is hard. St. Paul wrote in scripture that those who marry will experience trouble (I Cor. 7:28).

       Humans are basically good but also basically broken, and therefore, while God meant marriage to be a holy and blessed state, if two broken people live day after day in the most intimate relationship in the world, that is, marriage, there are going to be problems.

       Besides spiritual direction, I do marriage counselling. All marriage experts agree there are four distinct stages of marriage: romance, disillusionment, misery, and seasoned love.

       Marriage normally begins with romance. When dating, everyone is on their best behavior and looks their best. You haven’t lived together, so it is easy to buy into the illusion that this person only has good points and will take care of all your needs forever.       

       After you move in together or get married, and the other person is in your face day after day, you normally start to notice things about them that bother you, and you may feel that only some of your needs are getting met. In this disillusionment or “reality check” stage, you lose the illusions of romance.       

       If you stay together long enough, you will normally go through misery at some point, where your partner’s good points seem to be totally eclipsed by their bad points, and you feel none of your needs are getting met. This misery stage is why, according to Statistics Canada, there is now about a 40% divorce rate for first marriages.      

       At this point, faith can be very helpful. In most religious weddings, the couple takes serious, sacred vows before God and other people that they are going to love their spouse “for better or worse.” When in misery, it is particularly important to remember this unconditional love commitment before God. Prayer and church-based organizations like Retrouvaille, which hosts healing weekends for couples in misery, can also help a lot.

       Misery can be as difficult as overcoming an addiction. Alcoholics Anonymous has been successful because its first tenet is to admit that your life is out of control, and you need the help of a Higher Power to overcome your problem.

       In a second marriage, faith can be even more crucial. People in second marriages are even more prone to fall into misery because there are usually also ex-spouses, lawyers, children from two marriages, and wounds from the first marriage to contend with. It is not surprising the divorce rate for second marriages is significantly higher than for first marriages. People in second marriages need to pray even harder and exercise even more the virtues that all churches teach: forgiveness, trust, patience, commitment, etc.                 

     However, there can be legitimate reasons for separation and divorce. If there was prolonged emotional or physical abuse or neglect, it probably was not God’s will that the two of you be together in the first place, and you should split up. On the other hand, often couples split up without giving their best effort to preserving the marriage. 

       Mutual spiritual growth is the purpose of any marriage, whether first, second or third. Difficulties can be seen as an opportunity to rely more upon God, to surrender your ego more, to pray more, to love more deeply. 

        If you can do all these things, you will eventually come through to the fourth stage called seasoned love. If you learn to accept your partner with all their flaws, remember your wedding vows and recommit yourself to the marriage, you will normally start to see your partner’s good points again, the bad points don’t matter because you are committed to the marriage anyway, and by then you have learned to rely upon God more than your spouse for getting your needs met. 

Bruce Tallman is a spiritual director and educator of adults in religion. brucetallman.com.

Navigating Modern Marriage: Beyond the Perfect Partner Myth

Paradoxically, the Internet, despite all its dating sites, has made it harder to get and stay married. 

    One site is called “Plenty of Fish.” The problem is choosing between infinite “fish” (potential partners) in the sea. People hoping to get married make a list of qualities of the ideal spouse and hunt for this mythical person on the Internet. This is making people much more choosy and less willing to accept imperfection.

       Fifty years ago, there was limited choice in a spouse, and you had to work with your partner’s imperfections, knowing you were not perfect either. The present emphasis on finding the perfect mate results in people who are looking for love getting locked in the prison of their own ego.

       This is the polar opposite of what marriage is about. For centuries, wedding vows involved vowing before God and other people that you would love your partner in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse. In other words, the wedding vows were about unconditional love, not about rejecting people who fail to meet one of the conditions on your list. True marriage is about freedom from your ego through a commitment to something bigger than your ego, that is, marriage.

       God designed marriage to be two soulmates sharing life and love. So why do we so often fail at it? Why is the divorce rate for first marriages in Canada thirty-five percent and sixty-five percent for second marriages? Quite simply, marriage is one fallible human being having to cope day after day with another fallible human being. People seeking marriage should compare their lists with my lists of the hundreds of things couples fight over, from how to cut up the carrots to whether we should start having children.

       All marriage experts agree there are four distinct stages of marriage: romance, disillusionment (or ‘reality check’), misery, and true love. This is not what people expect when contemplating marriage. Despite the fantasies created by the wedding industry, in marriage, you have to go through the hard stuff to get to the good stuff. You have to go through the crucifixion of your ego in misery to get to the resurrection of true love. This is normal marital reality, but the list makers will not survive disillusionment, let alone misery. They will never experience true love.

       God allows conflict in marriage to challenge us to love and accept someone who is different from us, someone who is ‘other’ than our ego. To survive and thrive in marriage, you have to get out of your ego and grow in a whole list of spiritual virtues such as patience, trust, honesty, respect, acceptance, service, compassion, forgiveness, and commitment. God intended marriage to help you and your partner grow in mutual wholeness or holiness.

       Unconditional love and commitment and developing these spiritual virtues is a tall order. This is where prayer and the power of God come in. You cannot do these things on your own. You must call upon God’s grace to help you love as God loves. Faith is essential for a truly fulfilling marriage.

       Your spouse is made in the image of God (Genesis 1: 27-28), and since marriage is the most intimate of all relationships, the closest you get to God in the flesh is your marriage partner. The way you treat your spouse is the way you treat God. If you can’t love your spouse who you can see, how can you say you love God who you can’t see (I John 4:20)? Therefore, growing in spiritual virtues with your spouse is an essential part of spirituality. Treating the person closest to you badly is false spirituality.

       If there is prolonged or severe emotional or physical abuse, neglect, or infidelity, it probably was not God’s will that the two of you be married in the first place, and you should get out. However, short of that, prayer, commitment, and counselling can overcome almost any obstacle to love.

      Before and during engagement examine your partner’s character, his or her attitudes and values. If you are going to make a list do so wisely, putting at the top not how rich or good-looking he or she is, but is this a person who can help you grow spiritually? Is this someone with whom you can fulfill the goal of marriage, that is, mutual holiness, not ego-gratification? Putting spiritual growth first is foundational for a truly happy marriage.

Bruce Tallman is a London spiritual director and marriage coach. http://www.brucetallman.com  

THE DISASTER OF MODERNITY

The disaster of modernity:

since the Enlightenment, the intellectuals

in trying to grow beyond the mythic stage to the rational stage

killed the mythic God in the “death of God” movement

but in doing so they truncated their own spiritual growth

they did not go on to higher understandings of God

they repressed their own spiritual intelligence –

and the West has never recovered

 

modernism emphasized the intellectual and technological

and labeled our ancient/natural subjectivity as “superstition”

and this created a disconnect

between heartless individuals

and heartless institutions

 

and this created atheism – some atheists

have no religious awareness/strivings in them

have lauded/applauded humans so much they forgot God

have such a distorted view of God

they do not reject the God of the gospels

who they do not know

but rather they reject a caricature of God

who they have imagined

 

our western preoccupation with practicality

and means not ends

resulted in a total loss of values

and seeing life as a whole

so we became prisoners of urgency/

short-term consequences/

erratic/meaningless lives

 

non-dual thinking is the answer

non-dual thinking is both/and thinking

never either/or thinking –

it includes and honors all the previous stages

 

spirituality that ignores psychological dynamics

and psychology that ignores our spiritual nature

cannot be an adequate guide for people

who want to integrate

the quest for holiness

and the desire for wholeness.

THE VARIETIES OF RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE

Humans are so deep

that it is easier to count the hairs on one’s head

than the emotions and passions of our hearts

 

and we constantly expand –

Brother Teasdale always saw the big picture

the “meta-level”

beyond the present surface chaos

and rejoiced that today

many forms of interspirituality

replaced monasteries

 

in fact, the Wilber-Combs Lattice*

developed by Ken Wilber and Allan Combs

explains 28 types of religious/spiritual experiences

by combining 7 stages of consciousness

throughout human history:

archaic/magic/mythic/rational/pluralistic/integral/super-integral

with 4 states of consciousness:

gross (nature mysticism)/

subtle (deity mysticism)/

causal (formless mysticism)/

nondual (unitive mysticism)

 

when Jesus spent the whole night in mystical-unitive prayer

he listened to God call him all night long

“Beloved”

the One Word that

totally unites us to God

 

accepting God’s gracious Word

awakens our conscience/illuminates our intellect/

brings us into a new relationship with God the Father/

helps us put on the mind of God the Son/

makes us sensitive to the promptings of God the Holy Spirit/

and divinizes us

 

Julian of Norwich wrote that we have a duty

to delight God

and one of the things that pleases Christ the most

is when we comfort ourselves

with our laughter

and our sense of humour.

 * https://integrallife.com/glossary/wilber-combs-lattice/