Tag: Internet

Navigating Modern Marriage: Beyond the Perfect Partner Myth

Paradoxically, the Internet, despite all its dating sites, has made it harder to get and stay married. 

    One site is called “Plenty of Fish.” The problem is choosing between infinite “fish” (potential partners) in the sea. People hoping to get married make a list of qualities of the ideal spouse and hunt for this mythical person on the Internet. This is making people much more choosy and less willing to accept imperfection.

       Fifty years ago, there was limited choice in a spouse, and you had to work with your partner’s imperfections, knowing you were not perfect either. The present emphasis on finding the perfect mate results in people who are looking for love getting locked in the prison of their own ego.

       This is the polar opposite of what marriage is about. For centuries, wedding vows involved vowing before God and other people that you would love your partner in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse. In other words, the wedding vows were about unconditional love, not about rejecting people who fail to meet one of the conditions on your list. True marriage is about freedom from your ego through a commitment to something bigger than your ego, that is, marriage.

       God designed marriage to be two soulmates sharing life and love. So why do we so often fail at it? Why is the divorce rate for first marriages in Canada thirty-five percent and sixty-five percent for second marriages? Quite simply, marriage is one fallible human being having to cope day after day with another fallible human being. People seeking marriage should compare their lists with my lists of the hundreds of things couples fight over, from how to cut up the carrots to whether we should start having children.

       All marriage experts agree there are four distinct stages of marriage: romance, disillusionment (or ‘reality check’), misery, and true love. This is not what people expect when contemplating marriage. Despite the fantasies created by the wedding industry, in marriage, you have to go through the hard stuff to get to the good stuff. You have to go through the crucifixion of your ego in misery to get to the resurrection of true love. This is normal marital reality, but the list makers will not survive disillusionment, let alone misery. They will never experience true love.

       God allows conflict in marriage to challenge us to love and accept someone who is different from us, someone who is ‘other’ than our ego. To survive and thrive in marriage, you have to get out of your ego and grow in a whole list of spiritual virtues such as patience, trust, honesty, respect, acceptance, service, compassion, forgiveness, and commitment. God intended marriage to help you and your partner grow in mutual wholeness or holiness.

       Unconditional love and commitment and developing these spiritual virtues is a tall order. This is where prayer and the power of God come in. You cannot do these things on your own. You must call upon God’s grace to help you love as God loves. Faith is essential for a truly fulfilling marriage.

       Your spouse is made in the image of God (Genesis 1: 27-28), and since marriage is the most intimate of all relationships, the closest you get to God in the flesh is your marriage partner. The way you treat your spouse is the way you treat God. If you can’t love your spouse who you can see, how can you say you love God who you can’t see (I John 4:20)? Therefore, growing in spiritual virtues with your spouse is an essential part of spirituality. Treating the person closest to you badly is false spirituality.

       If there is prolonged or severe emotional or physical abuse, neglect, or infidelity, it probably was not God’s will that the two of you be married in the first place, and you should get out. However, short of that, prayer, commitment, and counselling can overcome almost any obstacle to love.

      Before and during engagement examine your partner’s character, his or her attitudes and values. If you are going to make a list do so wisely, putting at the top not how rich or good-looking he or she is, but is this a person who can help you grow spiritually? Is this someone with whom you can fulfill the goal of marriage, that is, mutual holiness, not ego-gratification? Putting spiritual growth first is foundational for a truly happy marriage.

Bruce Tallman is a London spiritual director and marriage coach. http://www.brucetallman.com  

THE UNION OF HEAVEN AND EARTH

“Heaven and earth will pass away”

as separate states.

Teilhard helps people 

be in the world

to which they necessarily belong.

He overcame the Church’s contempt

for the world

when he said “Love is 

the fundamental engine

of evolution.”

The litmus test for true vision:

to see the world as a Temple

and your enemies as sacred and beloved.

In the naked now

the best way to intimacy with God

is immediate, unmediated living

in the present, which is a present, a gift.

Living in non-defended, nondual presence

connects you to Real Presence.

The Quantum Theologian’s question is not 

our love for God

but God’s Love for us.

How is it

that from total otherness

comes our ultimate meaning? 

Eastern religion emphasized

the search for spiritual guides,

enlightenment, the True Self.

But western religion buried for centuries

spiritual searching under dogma,

obedience, and no questioning.

All the answers to questions you never asked

are in the Catechism – just read it!

Still, there were rays of pure light:

Catherine of Siena’s Dialogue

offered a systematic process 

for knowing God 

within you 

beginning and ending 

with humility.

If by God’s grace you have

Inner and Outer Authority

like Catherine

you avoid being both 

rebel or conformist.

God and nirvana 

are living realities

beyond all concepts

so Buddhists never talk about nirvana

they merely practice

mindfulness in all things

and so get intimate 

with the Buddha.

This gives a new vision 

for western religion:

include experience/practice/community

not just believing/behaving/belonging.

Heidegger’s Being and Time

was too individualistic. There is no community

but Being-Itself constantly overcomes non-being 

within it

and unceasingly creates

new things:

In intimate communion with Christ

there is always a New Creation.

The Internet as a new creation

and a convergence of Teilhard’s noosphere

could be the servant of global communion

not the conveyor belt

of global fragmentation/anarchy.

What the world needs now is

Bonaventure’s vision 

that predated Teilhard:

a dynamic universe

oriented towards union

with God and human

that finds fulfilment

in Christ.