relationships – Intelligent Christian Spirituality

The Teaching of Oneness: Addressing Global Issues Together

The central teaching of Jesus was oneness. This idea’s time has surely come. All humans are becoming increasingly tied together in a fragile web with each other and nature. In this time of climate change, worldwide trading, television, and the Internet, we are learning that what affects other humans and the natural world affects all of us.

Yet lingering ideas of separateness continue to kill us. To the extent we think we are separate from nature, we continue to decimate rainforests, overfish oceans, and pollute everything, believing it won’t impact us. To the extent we think we are separate from other people “out there,” we will continue to wage war on them, believing we can do so with impunity.

In Spanish, the devil is “el diablo” and we speak of an evil plot as “diabolical.” The “di” at the beginning of these words means “two.” Evil then divides what is one into two, dividing or separating oneness.

In the mythological Garden of Eden, the devil, disguised as a serpent, tempted Adam and Eve to eat from the forbidden Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, so they started the endless process of dividing everything up into good and bad. Before that, they were innocent, everything existed in harmony, and they “walked with God in the garden” (Genesis 3:8). No friction existed between them and God, man and woman, or humans and nature. All was one.

Right after eating the fruit which God forbade, they hid (separated themselves) from God, came into conflict with each other (Adam blamed Eve) and were alienated from nature (driven out of a natural paradise).

Jesus came to teach oneness and put everything back together. He prayed for his disciples and all people “that they may be one, as you God are in me, and I am in you, that they may also be one in us” (John 17: 21-23). He saw himself as one with the lowliest person on Earth: “As you do to the least of these my brothers and sisters, you do it to me” (Matthew 25:40).

Jesus was against how society was divided up according to status and privilege. So, he welcomed those of no account in his day: children, women, prostitutes, the sick and the handicapped. His directive to “love your enemies” was all about reconciliation, community, and oneness. Jesus felt so close to God that he said, “God and I are one” (John 10:30).

If we felt our oneness with nature, we would treat it as part of us. If we felt we were one with other people, we would treat everyone better, particularly our spouses. As it says in Genesis, when a man and woman marry, “the two become one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). If we really believed in this oneness, we would realize that whatever we do to our spouses, we do to ourselves. We would “do unto others as we would have them do unto us” (Luke 6:31). In other words, we would obey the Golden Rule.

If we believed God saw us as united with him, we would trust that God would never punish us because it would be God’s self-punishment. We would have no fear of hell, which is basically separation from God. We would constantly sense God’s presence. We would affirm with St. Paul that “God is in, over, and through us” (Ephesians 4:6) and “I live, yet not I, but God lives within me” (Galatians 2:20). We would treat everyone, regardless of age, gender, nationality, or religion, with the utmost respect, like the temple of the divine they are.

The church and all of humanity need to focus on this core teaching of Jesus — oneness. We will only survive if we understand that we are all in this together with God, other people, and nature. This sense of oneness is the key to addressing what ails us.

Bruce Tallman is a London spiritual director and educator of adults in religion. http://www.brucetallman.com

The Power of Detachment in Relationships

What most people are looking for in a relationship, whether inside or outside of marriage, is someone who is totally attached to them: completely committed and passionately in love.

While we tend to think of detachment negatively, as disinterest, aloofness, or lack of feeling, exactly what we would not want in a relationship, if we look at it in a different way, it is an important virtue in any relationship, whether with God or another human being.

Detachment in most world religions means “inner freedom.” Jesus never used the word but it was implicit in his spirituality: the ability to let go and let God. Detachment is about “not my will, but Thy will be done,” surrendering to the divine, putting your life in God’s hands.

Detachment is a key Buddhist virtue, and Meister Eckhart, the great Christian mystic, believed that in relationship to God, detachment was more foundational than love. We cannot love God fully and unconditionally as long as we are clinging to our ego. Like the rich young man who chose not to give up his wealth and follow Jesus, our ego-attachments can block our love of God.

Detachment is likewise crucial with human relationships. You cannot really love someone if you are attached to your agenda, how they should look or how the relationship or marriage should be. Your list of characteristics of the ideal mate: good-looking, healthy, wealthy, sexy, professional, romantic, etc may prevent you from appreciating someone right in front of you.

The key to any relationship is acceptance, to accept your partner as they are, with all their faults, and to celebrate their differences from you, the things not on your list. Hopefully, they will also be detached from their agenda and accept you as you are with your faults and differences.

The most important thing is to be attached only to God. The first of the biblical Ten Commandments is that we should put God first in all things, nothing should come before God. It is crucial to put God before everything, including human relationships. Then you can exist in the single life, in a relationship, or in marriage in inner freedom.

So many people are stressed-out about their relationships. If they are not in a relationship they are obsessed about when they are going to meet the right person. If they are in a relationship they are obsessed about where it is going or if it is going to end in marriage or not. If they are married they often wish their marriage was better, or wish they were not married at all.

It is very easy to let your attachment to a relationship or marriage get in the way of your relationship with God. I have known people who stopped attending their place of worship or gave up their spiritual practices or compromised their morals and self-esteem and basically sold their soul, all in an attempt to maintain a relationship. At that point the relationship has become an idol, that is, they have put it above their relationship with God.

It is important to do your part to make a relationship or marriage work, but it is far more important to put God first, keep your integrity, not make the other person into an idol, and detach from the outcome. If you let go and let God, the outcome will always be better than if you cling to a relationship out of fear of being alone or some ego-need.

The relationship is going to end at some point anyway. Even if you get married it may end through separation, divorce, or death of your spouse. Besides that, God has called some people to be single, it is not God’s will that they be with someone. God has something greater in mind, some charitable work, social justice project, or mystical marriage, that is, marriage to God.

Bruce Tallman is a London spiritual director and marriage coach. www.brucetallman.com

What the world needs now is healthy masculinity

There is a lot of toxic masculinity floating around in the world these days. It most often shows itself socially as violence against women, and politically as dictatorship. People seem enthralled right now with the strong male who claims he will make everything right for their country. Putin and Trump exemplify this.

Males have been in power for a long time, and in that time, they have done a lot of good – they have been responsible for most of the world’s medical, legal, political, and scientific advances. However, there is no denying they have also done a lot of damage – men have caused most wars and crimes.

When healthy, every man has four basic instincts: to be a servant-leader, to defend the weak, to be wise, and to be loving. God has given these instincts to men as gifts to be used in the service of others.

Carl Jung, the great 20^th-century psychologist, found that these male instincts manifested in every age and every culture’s history, religion, mythology, and literature. This discovery led Jung to hypothesize that males must participate in a “collective unconscious,” and these instincts, which he called “archetypes,” are the contents of this vast unconscious mind.

In the contemporary literature on male spirituality, four archetypes have predominated: the Sovereign, Warrior, Seer, and Lover. These show up in a vast array of ways: the Sovereign manifests as the president, king, CEO, father, or pope; the Warrior is present as the soldier, policeman, sports hero, or prophet; the Seer shows up as the medical doctor, professor, minister, priest, or shaman; the Lover archetype can be seen in the musician, poet, contemplative, or worker for the poor.

Healthy males keep all four archetypes in balance. When out of balance, the shadow male archetypes start to show up. The anti-Sovereign is the Tyrant, for example, the domineering boss, or the Abdicator – the absent father. The anti-Warrior is the Sadist – the terrorist or bully, or the Masochist – the victim. The anti-Seer is the Manipulator, for example, the negative politician, or the Fool – the men portrayed in television sitcoms and commercials. The anti-Lover is the Addict – to pornography, alcohol, or drugs, or the Frigid – the emotionally dead male.

The male archetypes are not going to go away, they are hardwired into the male soul. We need the good archetypes to prevent the bad ones from manifesting. Boys need good role models such as Nelson Mandela, Gandhi, Desmond Tutu, the Dalai Lama, and Pope Francis, or the bad archetypes will take over.

Jesus had all four archetypes in perfection. Churches refer to him as priest (Seer), prophet (spiritual Warrior), and king (Sovereign), and he is the icon of the loving male (Lover).

The world awaits the coming of males with all four archetypes in this perfect balance. Fortunately, there is an organization that is promoting this, The ManKind Project. It’s goal is to produce healthy males, men who are kind, thus the “ManKind” name: (see http://www.mkp.org). The Project’s motto is “Changing the world one man at a time.”

This is a worldwide men’s liberation movement involving about 100,000 men who train other men in the healthy male archetypes. It is not a specifically religious movement, but it is deeply spiritual. Any man, religious or not, can join. I have been involved for over 25 years, and it has changed my life in numerous positive ways.

Bruce Tallman is the author of Archetypes for Spiritual Direction: Discovering the Heroes Within (Paulist Press, 2005). http://www.brucetallman.com.

Navigating Modern Marriage: Beyond the Perfect Partner Myth

Paradoxically, the Internet, despite all its dating sites, has made it harder to get and stay married.

One site is called “Plenty of Fish.” The problem is choosing between infinite “fish” (potential partners) in the sea. People hoping to get married make a list of qualities of the ideal spouse and hunt for this mythical person on the Internet. This is making people much more choosy and less willing to accept imperfection.

Fifty years ago, there was limited choice in a spouse, and you had to work with your partner’s imperfections, knowing you were not perfect either. The present emphasis on finding the perfect mate results in people who are looking for love getting locked in the prison of their own ego.

This is the polar opposite of what marriage is about. For centuries, wedding vows involved vowing before God and other people that you would love your partner in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse. In other words, the wedding vows were about unconditional love, not about rejecting people who fail to meet one of the conditions on your list. True marriage is about freedom from your ego through a commitment to something bigger than your ego, that is, marriage.

God designed marriage to be two soulmates sharing life and love. So why do we so often fail at it? Why is the divorce rate for first marriages in Canada thirty-five percent and sixty-five percent for second marriages? Quite simply, marriage is one fallible human being having to cope day after day with another fallible human being. People seeking marriage should compare their lists with my lists of the hundreds of things couples fight over, from how to cut up the carrots to whether we should start having children.

All marriage experts agree there are four distinct stages of marriage: romance, disillusionment (or ‘reality check’), misery, and true love. This is not what people expect when contemplating marriage. Despite the fantasies created by the wedding industry, in marriage, you have to go through the hard stuff to get to the good stuff. You have to go through the crucifixion of your ego in misery to get to the resurrection of true love. This is normal marital reality, but the list makers will not survive disillusionment, let alone misery. They will never experience true love.

God allows conflict in marriage to challenge us to love and accept someone who is different from us, someone who is ‘other’ than our ego. To survive and thrive in marriage, you have to get out of your ego and grow in a whole list of spiritual virtues such as patience, trust, honesty, respect, acceptance, service, compassion, forgiveness, and commitment. God intended marriage to help you and your partner grow in mutual wholeness or holiness.

Unconditional love and commitment and developing these spiritual virtues is a tall order. This is where prayer and the power of God come in. You cannot do these things on your own. You must call upon God’s grace to help you love as God loves. Faith is essential for a truly fulfilling marriage.

Your spouse is made in the image of God (Genesis 1: 27-28), and since marriage is the most intimate of all relationships, the closest you get to God in the flesh is your marriage partner. The way you treat your spouse is the way you treat God. If you can’t love your spouse who you can see, how can you say you love God who you can’t see (I John 4:20)? Therefore, growing in spiritual virtues with your spouse is an essential part of spirituality. Treating the person closest to you badly is false spirituality.

If there is prolonged or severe emotional or physical abuse, neglect, or infidelity, it probably was not God’s will that the two of you be married in the first place, and you should get out. However, short of that, prayer, commitment, and counselling can overcome almost any obstacle to love.

Before and during engagement examine your partner’s character, his or her attitudes and values. If you are going to make a list do so wisely, putting at the top not how rich or good-looking he or she is, but is this a person who can help you grow spiritually? Is this someone with whom you can fulfill the goal of marriage, that is, mutual holiness, not ego-gratification? Putting spiritual growth first is foundational for a truly happy marriage.

Bruce Tallman is a London spiritual director and marriage coach. http://www.brucetallman.com  

LOVE IN EAST AND WEST

In Buddhism, Warrior-Boddhisattvas

(those who delay entering Nirvana

to help others on Earth get there)

train in: interdependence –

if I hurt others I hurt myself –

it is love not aggression that will save the planet –

others are not different from themselves –

we are all one –

and they train their hearts to open

in increasingly difficult situations

getting in touch with our True Self/God within

enables Boddhisattvas and us to listen/speak/act from the heart

“For without compassion all religious beliefs and practices

are useless and empty” – Albert Nolan

we now have so many tools to help us be compassionate

such as the Enneagram which exposes the hidden worldviews

we have been unconsciously operating out of our whole lives

and thus helps couples to view

their partners foibles more compassionately

and their own foibles more critically

in previous cultures

belief in God had nothing to do

with the modern obsession with weighing evidence

for the existence of God –

God must laugh at our attempts

to weigh God in the balance

as if our thoughts or intellectual choice of doctrines

determined whether God existed or not –

in previous cultures

belief in God

was like a marriage vow –

“I do” commit myself

to love and serve you, my God

mindful presence

spent with the one we love

is the fullest expression of True Love

and mindful generosity

is the greatest gift

we can offer our loved one –

the gift of our True Presence.

BEING AND LOVE

Our consciousness and therefore our subjectivity

cannot be explained

by science –

it just is –

it cannot be explained

by reference to anything more simple

because it is a fundamental/primary datum

similarly, True Love

cannot be explained –

it just is –

it requires being in the here and now

with your Beloved

practicing mindfulness

letting go of all distractions

making “quality time”

a habit

similarly, the Dharma of Buddhism

requires being here now

but it does not give you security

or a ground to stand on

because it is all about impermanence/groundlessness/

hopelessness – because as long as you hope

for being a better person

in a better place

you never accept who you are

and where you are

right now

you are never in the Here and Now

never in Love

the Enneagram is the face of Love –

it cannot be explained –

it just is –

the face of Christ

the face of God

the face of the True Human

since Jesus the Christ

is both the True Human and God

and has all the Enneagram virtues:

righteousness/compassion/excellence/creativity

wisdom/loyalty/discipline/power/peace

to the max.

THE ZEN OF SEXUALITY

One of the major obstacles to Enlightenment

is resentment about who/what/where you are

therefore it is crucial to be a friend to yourself

the delusions underlying both

the life-wish (kama/pleasure/desire)

and the death wish (mara/hostility/destruction)

can be dispelled by psychological analysis

thru the passion for union/Oneness an isolated individual

emerges more personalized than before –

because the way God created sexuality is that

healthy sex is integral

to a personalizing universe –

but evil tries to pervert this –

good is always foundational (and sex is very good)

but evil is always secondary/always a perversion

of what was originally good

into adultery/pornography/trafficking

accountability is a universal theme in feminist theology –

feminist theologians want us accountable

to communities of the oppressed

particularly half the human race – women whose bodies

are used as objects of self-gratification by men –

feminist theology promotes anti-imperial/post-colonial/

anti-conquest of women’s bodies

and action on this not just speculation

when asked where the One comes from

the Zen master Joshu said

“I made a beautiful robe out of hemp”

this seemingly nonsensical Zen answer

was a warning to westerners

to stop trying to understand Zen

as “neo-platonic monism”/“pantheism”/whatever –

although Zen masters believe all things are One

Zen is unclassifiable because the Zen master’s concern

is action in the world not speculation

Zen believes we can only be sexually fulfilled thru dual-action:

courage – we do not deny our wheat/goodness
humility – we do not deny our weeds/evil

otherwise, we will be A. dis-couraged B. blind.

COMMITMENT/FREEDOM/MERCY

Wholeness and liberation not perfection and control

are the goals of authentic human spiritual development.

Individuals/societies that affirm

existentialist autonomy from God

think they are supporting life/hope/

freedom from sin/guilt

but they really move people

toward death and destruction.

The supposed freedom of casual sex

is not love, which requires commitment –

true freedom involves committing yourself to lifelong love –

conjugal love in marriage involves the good

of the whole person – it enriches their body/mind

expresses the unique friendship of spouses

and opens them to the healing and grace of God.

Without commitment you remain not in love

but in the prison of your own ego.

God draws humans to each other and to God

in hidden/subtle/wonderful ways.

The supposedly good self and bad shadow

are not opposites – just as the self/ego

can have destructive attitudes

so the shadow can have good qualities –

moral instincts and creative impulses.

Thomas Merton, the great rescuer of contemplation

and mysticism, constantly wrestled with his shadow

but ultimately found it liberating

to realize his whole life was one

of paradox and self-contradiction

and that, although this caused constant insecurity

it was his greatest security

for it was the sign of God’s mercy

and the only way God could deal with someone

so complicated and confused

as he found himself to be.

God loves and liberates the whole person

shadow and all.

HOW TO HARNESS YOUR MIDLIFE CRISIS

In early childhood we are who we are in a straightforward, direct way. We love and trust life and other people spontaneously. We are uninhibited, so nothing is held back or hidden.

However, usually due to conditional love from our parents, we learn quickly that certain things we say or do will be rewarded, and other things will be ignored or punished. We learn to hide certain parts of ourselves in order to be loved by others.

As we move through adolescence toward adulthood, we learn even more that we must repress parts of ourselves in order to be tough and competitive and stand on our own two feet in the world. Our ego must become strong so we can survive.

In childhood and adolescence, the repressed parts of ourselves get buried in our subconscious mind. However, in mid-life, which can extend anywhere from thirty-five to sixty-five years of age, we have less energy to hold all this subconscious material down.

Weighed down with mortgages, jobs, parenting, and other responsibilities, and aware that we may not live a lot longer, often in mid-life we suddenly feel an urge to rediscover the freedom and spontaneity of our inner child or inner adolescent. Our subconscious, repressed parts start to emerge in our dreams, daydreams, fantasies, or in a general sense of restlessness or meaninglessness. We might have a powerful urge to write poetry, start a rock band, buy a hot car or motorcycle, party all night, have an affair, quit our job, or leave our marriage.

At this point, according to the great twentieth century psychologist Carl Jung, we have three basic options. The first one is to keep soldiering on, keep repressing all these seemingly irrational urges that are coming up, keep cutting off essential parts of ourselves. We may end up with an ulcer, stroke, or heart attack, or become cynical, bitter, and slowly die spiritually.

Or, at the other extreme, we can let the subconscious urges flood us all at once, so we are overwhelmed and become a mid-life crazy person who throws out all we have worked so hard to build, irresponsibly destroying our marriage, family, and career in the process.

The third option is to allow the subconscious, repressed parts to have a voice, listen to them, and let them into the conscious mind a little at a time so that we are in control of the urges rather than the urges controlling us. We can look at our urges and decide rationally which would be wise and which would be foolish to act on. This is the healthiest option, to slowly integrate the repressed parts of ourself back into our life without destroying what we have built so far.

Jung called this third option “individuation.” It is our true self calling us to let go of our ego, to integrate our conscious and subconscious minds, so that we become a whole person again.

In this third option, we reach “second naivete,” that is, we let our inner child play through us in a mature way. Letting our inner child out may seem foolish to the person who has become cynical and bitter, just as continuing to be responsible may seem foolish to the person who has chosen irresponsibility.

We are not called to become immature, that is, childish, but rather to become directly loving and trusting once again, that is, childlike, but in an adult way. Life has taught us some hard lessons, but we make love and trust our greatest priority again, without letting our guard down absolutely, as a child does. According to Jung, this is the essential work that needs to be done in mid-life.

MARRIAGE: BONFIRE OF THE EGO

All major religions agree on one thing: the ego, the small self that wants everything its own way, is the biggest impediment to spiritual growth. However, marriage provides one of the best vehicles for spiritual growth, because it is all about getting your ego out of the way.

Our culture is very ego-based and individualistic – it is all about me and my fulfilment. But when you are married, you are no longer a single individual, you are part of something bigger than either of your egos, that is, the marriage.

God meant for marriage to be glorious, but often it is a disaster – two egos in a power struggle over who is going to win. The ego wants everything its way, but when you are married you must negotiate everything with your spouse. The ego cannot have total control.

Marriage experts agree there are four stages to marriage: romance, disillusionment, misery, and true, seasoned love. There are nine things that help eliminate the painful parts.

First, wake up to the law of unity and karma. Unity means the two of you are one, and karma means what goes around comes around. Karma is a universal spiritual law found in all the great religions. Jesus said that what you give, you receive. In marriage if the two become one, whatever you do to your spouse you do to yourself. If you sow good or evil, it will come back to you. So be good to your spouse. Paul wrote that “The man who loves his wife loves himself (Ephesians 5:28).

Secondly, marital happiness mainly lies in you, in how you choose to think about your spouse, not in your partner doing what your ego wants. Your ego will always try to make your spouse into its own personal slave. Focus on your partner’s positive not negative points.

A third key is to accept and love your partner as they are, not as your ego wants them to be, and not as a clone of the things on your list of the ideal spouse. This list is an ego-list.

Fourth, realize that love is a decision not a feeling. Feelings come and go and make an unstable base for marriage. Seasoned love is choosing to love your partner when you don’t feel the love. This requires maturity and work, and the ego prefers immaturity and hates work.

Fifth, listening non-defensively is a key to communication and conflict resolution. The ego thrives on not listening, emotional drama, and blaming the other person for the problem.

Commitment is a sixth key. The ego always wants to run away when things get hard, but disillusionment and misery are normal stages couples go through. Commitment is what gets you through misery to seasoned love. Mind you, you have to make a careful discernment here. If there is severe or prolonged verbal, emotional, sexual, or physical abuse or neglect, this is not God’s will. God probably wants you to get out.

Humility is a seventh key. To accept you are not perfect and humbly listen to your spouse’s complaints takes a lot of self-discipline. Humility gets rid of the defensiveness, anger, self-righteousness, mind-games, blaming, judging, self-pity, and victimhood the ego loves.

Prayer is an eighth essential. Marriage can be extremely challenging. It always helps to call upon the wisdom, power, strength, and love of God to handle times of misery.

A ninth and final key is to realize the purpose of marriage is not sexual or financial fulfilment, but rather to grow spiritually together. According to scripture, you are both made in God’s image. So, the closest you get to God in the flesh is your marriage partner. The way you treat your spouse is the way you treat God.

Your marriage can be part of your spiritual practice, that is, an opportunity to grow in unconditional love, humility, acceptance, listening, commitment, gratitude, unity, and prayer.

Marriage may take you through hell, but if you keep getting your ego out of the way you will eventually get through crucifixion to resurrection, to heaven, and to true love.

Bruce Tallman is a spiritual director and religious educator of adults. brucetallman.com