MARRIAGE: BONFIRE OF THE EGO

All major religions agree on one thing: the ego, the small self that wants everything its own way, is the biggest impediment to spiritual growth. However, marriage provides one of the best vehicles for spiritual growth, because it is all about getting your ego out of the way.  

    Our culture is very ego-based and individualistic – it is all about me and my fulfilment. But when you are married, you are no longer a single individual, you are part of something bigger than either of your egos, that is, the marriage.

    God meant for marriage to be glorious, but often it is a disaster – two egos in a power struggle over who is going to win. The ego wants everything its way, but when you are married you must negotiate everything with your spouse. The ego cannot have total control.

    Marriage experts agree there are four stages to marriage: romance, disillusionment, misery, and true, seasoned love. There are nine things that help eliminate the painful parts.

    First, wake up to the law of unity and karma. Unity means the two of you are one, and karma means what goes around comes around. Karma is a universal spiritual law found in all the great religions. Jesus said that what you give, you receive. In marriage if the two become one, whatever you do to your spouse you do to yourself. If you sow good or evil, it will come back to you. So be good to your spouse. Paul wrote that “The man who loves his wife loves himself (Ephesians 5:28).

    Secondly, marital happiness mainly lies in you, in how you choose to think about your spouse, not in your partner doing what your ego wants. Your ego will always try to make your spouse into its own personal slave. Focus on your partner’s positive not negative points.

    A third key is to accept and love your partner as they are, not as your ego wants them to be, and not as a clone of the things on your list of the ideal spouse. This list is an ego-list.

    Fourth, realize that love is a decision not a feeling. Feelings come and go and make an unstable base for marriage. Seasoned love is choosing to love your partner when you don’t feel the love. This requires maturity and work, and the ego prefers immaturity and hates work.

    Fifth, listening non-defensively is a key to communication and conflict resolution. The ego thrives on not listening, emotional drama, and blaming the other person for the problem.

    Commitment is a sixth key. The ego always wants to run away when things get hard, but disillusionment and misery are normal stages couples go through. Commitment is what gets you through misery to seasoned love. Mind you, you have to make a careful discernment here. If there is severe or prolonged verbal, emotional, sexual, or physical abuse or neglect, this is not God’s will. God probably wants you to get out.

    Humility is a seventh key. To accept you are not perfect and humbly listen to your spouse’s complaints takes a lot of self-discipline. Humility gets rid of the defensiveness, anger, self-righteousness, mind-games, blaming, judging, self-pity, and victimhood the ego loves.

    Prayer is an eighth essential. Marriage can be extremely challenging. It always helps to call upon the wisdom, power, strength, and love of God to handle times of misery.

    A ninth and final key is to realize the purpose of marriage is not sexual or financial fulfilment, but rather to grow spiritually together. According to scripture, you are both made in God’s image. So, the closest you get to God in the flesh is your marriage partner. The way you treat your spouse is the way you treat God.

    Your marriage can be part of your spiritual practice, that is, an opportunity to grow in unconditional love, humility, acceptance, listening, commitment, gratitude, unity, and prayer.

    Marriage may take you through hell, but if you keep getting your ego out of the way you will eventually get through crucifixion to resurrection, to heaven, and to true love.

Bruce Tallman is a spiritual director and religious educator of adults. brucetallman.com  

 

 

INTEGRATING THE GLOBAL SHADOW

By separating the contemplative/unitive thinkers

into monastic communities, Institutional Churches

were able to continue in their rationalistic/dualistic/modus operandi

and the status quo was preserved – no transformation necessary.

However now inter-spirituality is spreading –

world religions are sharing experiences of unity consciousness

an inevitable part of the world’s move

towards multiculturalism/globalization/the theosphere:

God as All in All.

Even political action can be spiritual:

elevating humans as daughters/sons of God

liberating them from the old gods of lust/greed/power/war –

the gods which toxic masculinity worships.

Toxic masculinity/patriarchy continues because:

homophobia prevents deep male-to-male relationships

men confuse spirituality with religion and flee from it

bar mitzvahs and confirmation are inadequate

rites of passage/initiation rites for males in the postmodern world.

The male unconscious is not concerned with moral injunctions

but does try to balance whatever is happening

in the conscious male, and soften his toxic masculinity:

a man who defines himself as a righteous male

dreams about a degenerate woman –

the unconscious is not telling him to avoid this type of woman –

it is telling him he is this woman – he and her are one.

If he owns his shadow, it softens his heart.

In the past, those promoting morals and ethics

were unaware of the power of the male shadow

and alienated it further by labeling it “evil.”

But in the new quantum/unitive theology

what morality consists in

is full integration of the shadow

all the way from the personal to the global –

the global shadow, not admitting

humanity’s brokenness yet oneness

results in war and climate change.

War will never cease, God’s good Earth will never turn green

till the Global Shadow/Patriarchy is owned.

WAKE UP, WAKE UP TOGETHER

Lonergan: at end of 1600s a great revolution:

constant attacks by Enlightenment 

and Anglicans analyzing

existence 

balancing scripture, tradition, reason 

shifted Catholic method-in-theology

from questions to certainties

theological inquiry to dogmatic theology.

Outer spiritual authority says

“You are special”

Inner spiritual authority says

“Everyone is special”

another revolutionary shift 

from elitism to egalitarianism.

Too much outer authority

creates Authoritarian Institutions

which create religion’s greatest enemy:

indifference: 

loss of divine will-to-be-alive 

loss of heart

loss of passion

atrophying into loveless/hateless

existence.

Upon meeting, Buddhists 

bow and silently acknowledge 

each other as a Buddha-to-be

since all carry within 

seeds of awakening.

In Confucianism, filial piety 

must be practiced from

the Emperor/Empoweror

Son of Heaven

down thru princes, scholars to peasants

or disaster ensues.

Brueggemann: Christian imagination 

numbed, satiated, co-opted, paralyzed by fear

cannot do any serious work.

But depth psychology and existential analysis

separate anxiety, a group phenomenon

from fear, an individual phenomenon.

So, do not fear 

to follow Jesus

because of what others might think.

In fact, others don’t think

of you……………….at all.

Shed fear and become

one of the twin heroes of mythology

two basic sides of human nature:

the mild and acquiescent

the wild and rebellious

the Introvert who powerfully reflects 

the Extrovert who greatly accomplishes

but either way

be humble

not self-deprecating nor self-condemning

and either way

be contemplative

the secret of which is:

life in the Eternal Now

not-Emptiness

full-of-Godness.

Bonaventure: Incarnation is

the Center of Creation:

everything preceding and following 

descent of the Logos

finds its meaning in Christ.

The Universal Christ is 

the Eternal Now and Love Supreme

Love: Alpha and Omega of Life

Alpha: Big Bang to God-consciousness

showing Itself explicitly in Jesus the Christ

Omega: Love drawing the universe

forward thru Christ 

toward 

ever-greater-Unity-in-Love.

The universe’s salvation is

corporate/universal salvation

beyond any individual.

Wake up, wake up together!

3 Big Ideas for May 15, 2019

  1. Teilhard de Chardin was a Christian mystic who believed that love and energy are the foundation of the cosmos. This “love-energy” is the source of the universe’s intelligibility and therefore the basis of knowledge. This leads philosophy out of the impasse of making matter the basis of all empirical knowledge. Philosophers have traditionally made love secondary to knowledge – you have to first know something before you can love it. But for lovers of God like Teilhard, love is the source and goal of all knowledge.
  2. Christian martyrs were willing to die for their faith because they believed “all is one” – everything, including life and death, is under the care of God. Now we have arrived at a similar state by the reverse process: we no longer believe there is a God, all is passing away, and therefore all is meaningless. Without God, all is not one, it is zero. The martyr was willing to die for God, but would the secular non-believer be willing to die for zero? This is important when you are speaking truth to power and fighting injustice.
  3. Almost everything wrong with the world has to do with the way the “It” of institutions can be misaligned, out of control, and disconnect with the “I” and the “We.” The personal is destroyed by the impersonal when corporations, governments, and religious institutions become out of touch with the people they are meant to serve, and only serve themselves. The result is exploitation of others for money or sex, and rape of the planet’s resources on which we all depend. Unitive thinking, the idea that all is one, keeps the “It” of hierarchies connected to the common good, the “We.”