ego – Intelligent Christian Spirituality

Navigating Modern Marriage: Beyond the Perfect Partner Myth

Paradoxically, the Internet, despite all its dating sites, has made it harder to get and stay married.

One site is called “Plenty of Fish.” The problem is choosing between infinite “fish” (potential partners) in the sea. People hoping to get married make a list of qualities of the ideal spouse and hunt for this mythical person on the Internet. This is making people much more choosy and less willing to accept imperfection.

Fifty years ago, there was limited choice in a spouse, and you had to work with your partner’s imperfections, knowing you were not perfect either. The present emphasis on finding the perfect mate results in people who are looking for love getting locked in the prison of their own ego.

This is the polar opposite of what marriage is about. For centuries, wedding vows involved vowing before God and other people that you would love your partner in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, for better or worse. In other words, the wedding vows were about unconditional love, not about rejecting people who fail to meet one of the conditions on your list. True marriage is about freedom from your ego through a commitment to something bigger than your ego, that is, marriage.

God designed marriage to be two soulmates sharing life and love. So why do we so often fail at it? Why is the divorce rate for first marriages in Canada thirty-five percent and sixty-five percent for second marriages? Quite simply, marriage is one fallible human being having to cope day after day with another fallible human being. People seeking marriage should compare their lists with my lists of the hundreds of things couples fight over, from how to cut up the carrots to whether we should start having children.

All marriage experts agree there are four distinct stages of marriage: romance, disillusionment (or ‘reality check’), misery, and true love. This is not what people expect when contemplating marriage. Despite the fantasies created by the wedding industry, in marriage, you have to go through the hard stuff to get to the good stuff. You have to go through the crucifixion of your ego in misery to get to the resurrection of true love. This is normal marital reality, but the list makers will not survive disillusionment, let alone misery. They will never experience true love.

God allows conflict in marriage to challenge us to love and accept someone who is different from us, someone who is ‘other’ than our ego. To survive and thrive in marriage, you have to get out of your ego and grow in a whole list of spiritual virtues such as patience, trust, honesty, respect, acceptance, service, compassion, forgiveness, and commitment. God intended marriage to help you and your partner grow in mutual wholeness or holiness.

Unconditional love and commitment and developing these spiritual virtues is a tall order. This is where prayer and the power of God come in. You cannot do these things on your own. You must call upon God’s grace to help you love as God loves. Faith is essential for a truly fulfilling marriage.

Your spouse is made in the image of God (Genesis 1: 27-28), and since marriage is the most intimate of all relationships, the closest you get to God in the flesh is your marriage partner. The way you treat your spouse is the way you treat God. If you can’t love your spouse who you can see, how can you say you love God who you can’t see (I John 4:20)? Therefore, growing in spiritual virtues with your spouse is an essential part of spirituality. Treating the person closest to you badly is false spirituality.

If there is prolonged or severe emotional or physical abuse, neglect, or infidelity, it probably was not God’s will that the two of you be married in the first place, and you should get out. However, short of that, prayer, commitment, and counselling can overcome almost any obstacle to love.

Before and during engagement examine your partner’s character, his or her attitudes and values. If you are going to make a list do so wisely, putting at the top not how rich or good-looking he or she is, but is this a person who can help you grow spiritually? Is this someone with whom you can fulfill the goal of marriage, that is, mutual holiness, not ego-gratification? Putting spiritual growth first is foundational for a truly happy marriage.

Bruce Tallman is a London spiritual director and marriage coach. http://www.brucetallman.com  

FREEDOM FROM SELF

Humans are the apex of the created world

are open to the Infinite

seeking fulfillment in God

and this openness and seeking of God

constitutes the very nature/structure/meaning

of what it is to be human

spiritual transformation has two movements:

self-appropriation – owning who you are

and what is going on inside you

and self-transcendence – becoming God-centered

not ego-centered

intellectuals and sceptics never think

to check out the Source of their intellect

in their pride they reject God and religion

they never slay the dragon

of their ego

our one desire should be to seek God’s will for us

not pleasure or wealth or fame

or even virtue or wisdom

liberation theology is about not just

struggling for others

which suggests paternalism

it is also about self-liberation:

realizing you are not completely fulfilled

without others

and you are living in a society

that alienates you from others

and therefore from your true self

which always needs others

for fulfillment

prayer is the best way

to step out of self-centered living

into the big picture: God

and a vision of peace and love

for all

prayer is

“Enlightenment:” freedom from self.

EASTER: HUMAN VS DIVINE PERFECTION

Carl Jung believed each of us

originally had a total and powerful sense

of the Self – the total psyche

but then trauma caused the Ego to emerge

which narrowed our consciousness down

to awareness of our small self as a vulnerable individual

but our Ego still needed connection to the Self

to have psychic health

in this regard the Ego’s striving for security and perfection

is striving for death

because we kill our own life

by trying to control everyone else’s life

leaving no room for error or disruption

but sooner or later disruption happens

we lose our health or a loved one

and errors happen –

all this is an inevitable part of being human

so to counter this, God always calls all humans

to God’s version of perfection –

sharing in the Divine Life beyond all corruption –

Christ won victory over error/disruption/death

by dying and rising for all humans

so that all of us who live with Lady Wisdom

know faith is God’s Answer

to human versions of perfection

and human anxiety about an insecure future

by the grace of God, intimate friendship with the Risen Jesus

has always been central

to the spiritual life of authentic Christians –

this friendship allows us to love

our fellow human beings and our True Self

which fulfills God’s Commandments given to us in Judaism

and in modern Jewish thought –

“All real living is meeting other people”

– Martin Buber, Jewish theologian –

contrast this with the atheist

Jean-Paul Sartre:

“Hell is other people”

God’s version of perfection – faith in God –

saves us from every version of hell.

INTEGRATED SPIRITUALITY

The word “God” is always a metaphor

the word “God” is not God

nor does it tell the whole story

some traditions are cautious about even using the word “God”

whereas Hindus talk about the “million names of God”

if all is God, is nothing a Supreme God, is our ego our god?

when our false self becomes our god

we do everything to worship this idol

we do not thereby create anything evil

but we pervert our relationship with everything

we use everything to increase our attachment

to our illusory self

within us, what is not accepted is projected

on to others – perception is noticing negative things

in others without getting upset

projection gets us upset

because the negative thing we see in others

is something we don’t accept in ourselves –

some shadow-piece

Brother Lawrence accepted all his shadows

and believed the General Practice of the Presence of God

is far more important than following spiritual rules

or engaging in specific devotions

Christ and Buddha’s appearance on Earth

were meant for the wellness and happiness of all

and so we can keep Jesus and Buddha going

by enjoying life/practicing mindfulness/being in the NOW/

enjoying songs of birds/gardens/blue sky/breathing

if your spirituality is integrated

it involves both contemplation and action

and you can address the most pressing issues of modernity:

– the existence of consciousness (which baffles scientific materialism)

– application of spirituality to everyday life

– spiritual development

– eastern vs western approaches to life/culture/spirituality

– the role of meditation and contemplation in our hyper busy culture

– how religion relates to modern culture

– how postmodern culture relates to religion

and you can be a fish in/not out of the water of our culture.

MYSTICISM CURES RELIGION

Unhealthy and dysfunctional institutions

breed codependency in people –

the need to have others give us a sense

of identity and self-worth

as Christians reduced faith to belief –

assent to a list of ideas/doctrines

about God/Jesus/Church –

some extended it to belief

about women/science/politics

and we lost sight more and more

of “love your enemies”

and so became oppressive hypocrites

religion is only healthy

when it is about ego-transformation

not group superiority –

“my religion is better than your religion” –

or having correct doctrines

or being morally worthy enough to enter an afterlife

most people (80%) think civilization should move

toward a global vision

and in that regard

mysticism is the comprehensive “theory of everything”

people long for – something that makes sense

out of reality for everyone

just as Christianity used to do

the basic Christian understanding is that

you find your true self/true identity

by surrendering all your individual autonomy

to Christ

who makes you right with God

thru his Love and Penance

on the Cross for your sins

in God and God’s Love –

not in the Church and the Church’s love –

we and everything

become stabilized and eternalized –

if not established in God

we, and all things,

including the Church

perish.

ALONE WITH THE ALONE

Buddhist teaching states that even if you are fully enlightened

difficulty and pain are still inevitable – you will experience

aging/illness/death/

sorrow at losing what you love –

youth/health/life

you are also going to experience loneliness, a universal feeling –

and when we are not enlightened we naively believe

a sexual relationship will take away our loneliness

but unless there is heart and soul communication

sex just makes us more lonely

loneliness is different than solitude –

solitude can correct the tendency of codependents

to look outside themselves for their identity –

solitude provides us with an opportunity

to discover/know/embrace intimacy

with our true self

but we have to be careful – to not get sucked in

by our false self – our ego – an illusion because it exists

outside of God’s will/love/reality/life itself

still, if we are careful, we will find within

a secret/incommunicable/mystery/sanctuary

which the intrusions of self-assertion and violence

cannot penetrate – but on the other hand

if we are not careful, the ways of the world

can lure us out of our sanctuary

and slay us

but souls abandoned to God are protected

from their own ego because they take delight

in nothing but God – normal pursuits/activities

hold no delight – they want to be in solitude

alone with the Alone – the Only One

the Lonely One

who wants only to love and be loved

“God has created us for great things:

to love and be loved”

– Mother Teresa

THE HARDNESS AND EASINESS OF DISCIPLESHIP

Raimundo Panikkar sees the world as in a crisis

of biblical proportions ecologically and humanly –

therefore the Church’s main focus should be on this

not its own inner disputes: sexual morality/ordination of women

these are important but first world problems while 75% of humanity

lives in subhuman conditions of poverty/war/destruction

of the earth and the very air they breathe – smoked out by wildfires/

washed out by floods/starved out by droughts –

the “First World” will only help the “Third World”

if we learn asceticism – giving up endless consumption and greed

The Imitation of Christ, a tenth century manuscript

by Thomas a Kempis is asceticism to the max –

an antidote to our contemporary culture’s fixation on

egoism/materialism/hedonism to the max

On the other hand, the ego is necessary and not evil in itself

it is our functional self – we need it to survive

the problem is our culture tells us

our ego is the only reality and should control everything

for its own pleasure and enjoyment

without counting the cost to others

On the other hand again, there is plenty in the gospels

to encourage asceticism: pray always/sell all you have/

deny yourself/pick up your cross/die to your ego/

die with Christ/the person who finds their life loses it/

the person who gives up their life for Christ’s sake finds it/

the “world” and the “flesh” as seen by Paul and John were demonic

and Jesus wrestled with his own inner demons in the wilderness

After God created humans in a state of holiness/oneness with God

from the start we abused our freedom as sons and daughters of God

set ourselves up against God

tried to find our fulfillment apart from God

Yet the first promise of Jesus in Matthew 11:28-30

despite all the necessary asceticism was

“Come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden

and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you

and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart

and you shall find rest for your soul

for my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

“I AM” IS GREATER THAN “AI”

The small ego – the things we identify with –

our education/work/marital status/wealth –

our possessions can possess us

and hand the reins to EGO (Edging God Out):

our attachment to our self-image instead of to God.

The small ego is a necessary part, but not the whole

of who we are, and breaking free of it into the whole

liberates us from just being a part.

Even the small ‘I,’ the ego, cannot love

because it is always in one of four small ‘c’ modes:

calculation/control/competition/comparison.

Comparison with others = judging = anti-love.

To end the violence all around us

we first need to end the violence within us –

technology will not save us but “I AM” can

and meditation – listening to silence – the language of God

within us and around us – can help.

Quantum theology believes:

the ‘shadow’ is a real and powerful dimension of all life
the shadow cannot be eradicated
the more we try to eradicate it, the more power we give it
the shadow is a powerful force for creativity if we integrate it.

Because our shadow and God wrestle within us

most people relate to the sacred

with a sense of ambivalence – a mixture of

trust/antitrust/approach/avoidance.

But there is no need to be afraid –

the Godhead is a Goodhead.

In fact, it’s all good – Teilhard de Chardin saw that

even technology can provide a ground for religious development –

something that, rather than destroying us

with AI like CHATGPT

technology could take us to a higher level

of consciousness and union in love –

telescopes let us see into the past

and just how great/good/glorious God is

and always has been

and always will be.

MARRIAGE: BONFIRE OF THE EGO

All major religions agree on one thing: the ego, the small self that wants everything its own way, is the biggest impediment to spiritual growth. However, marriage provides one of the best vehicles for spiritual growth, because it is all about getting your ego out of the way.

Our culture is very ego-based and individualistic – it is all about me and my fulfilment. But when you are married, you are no longer a single individual, you are part of something bigger than either of your egos, that is, the marriage.

God meant for marriage to be glorious, but often it is a disaster – two egos in a power struggle over who is going to win. The ego wants everything its way, but when you are married you must negotiate everything with your spouse. The ego cannot have total control.

Marriage experts agree there are four stages to marriage: romance, disillusionment, misery, and true, seasoned love. There are nine things that help eliminate the painful parts.

First, wake up to the law of unity and karma. Unity means the two of you are one, and karma means what goes around comes around. Karma is a universal spiritual law found in all the great religions. Jesus said that what you give, you receive. In marriage if the two become one, whatever you do to your spouse you do to yourself. If you sow good or evil, it will come back to you. So be good to your spouse. Paul wrote that “The man who loves his wife loves himself (Ephesians 5:28).

Secondly, marital happiness mainly lies in you, in how you choose to think about your spouse, not in your partner doing what your ego wants. Your ego will always try to make your spouse into its own personal slave. Focus on your partner’s positive not negative points.

A third key is to accept and love your partner as they are, not as your ego wants them to be, and not as a clone of the things on your list of the ideal spouse. This list is an ego-list.

Fourth, realize that love is a decision not a feeling. Feelings come and go and make an unstable base for marriage. Seasoned love is choosing to love your partner when you don’t feel the love. This requires maturity and work, and the ego prefers immaturity and hates work.

Fifth, listening non-defensively is a key to communication and conflict resolution. The ego thrives on not listening, emotional drama, and blaming the other person for the problem.

Commitment is a sixth key. The ego always wants to run away when things get hard, but disillusionment and misery are normal stages couples go through. Commitment is what gets you through misery to seasoned love. Mind you, you have to make a careful discernment here. If there is severe or prolonged verbal, emotional, sexual, or physical abuse or neglect, this is not God’s will. God probably wants you to get out.

Humility is a seventh key. To accept you are not perfect and humbly listen to your spouse’s complaints takes a lot of self-discipline. Humility gets rid of the defensiveness, anger, self-righteousness, mind-games, blaming, judging, self-pity, and victimhood the ego loves.

Prayer is an eighth essential. Marriage can be extremely challenging. It always helps to call upon the wisdom, power, strength, and love of God to handle times of misery.

A ninth and final key is to realize the purpose of marriage is not sexual or financial fulfilment, but rather to grow spiritually together. According to scripture, you are both made in God’s image. So, the closest you get to God in the flesh is your marriage partner. The way you treat your spouse is the way you treat God.

Your marriage can be part of your spiritual practice, that is, an opportunity to grow in unconditional love, humility, acceptance, listening, commitment, gratitude, unity, and prayer.

Marriage may take you through hell, but if you keep getting your ego out of the way you will eventually get through crucifixion to resurrection, to heaven, and to true love.

Bruce Tallman is a spiritual director and religious educator of adults. brucetallman.com

EVER-ADAPTING CHRISTIANITY

In the triad of world/flesh/devil

it is almost always the sins of the “flesh”

that are attacked by churches –

birth control/adultery/abortion/pornography

and seldom do sermons preach about the sins of the “world” –

the lust for wealth and prestige that the ego loves.

But the difference between the True Self

and the False Self is the difference between

“True Centering” (on God) and “Ego Centering” (on Self).

In fact, the True Self can include the False Self

because the way we become whole as humans

is by embracing every aspect of our existence –

our weakness/failures/mistakes

by humility/not taking ourselves too seriously –

we grow by wholeness not by absolute moral purity

which we never reach anyway.

Still, we consign to the unconscious

all fantasy, all psychic associations connected with

words/numbers/stones/plants/animals –

but for primitives all these things had numinous power.

Friedrich Nietzsche dismissed all primitives

and fancied himself to be a Rational Existentialist –

one who has the courage to stare into the abyss of non-being

and discover complete loneliness, complete aloneness

if God is dead.

There have been many Rational Christian responses

that have deconstructed the “death of God” movement

and people like Marcus Borg and Bishop John Shelby Spong

have also helped us deconstruct Bibical Fundamentalism

and there are many Postmodern Christian thinkers

like Brian McLaren with his book A Generous Orthodoxy

and others have developed The Postmodern Bible

and The Cambridge Companion to Postmodern Theology.

As usual, Christianity has adapted to/learned from/gone beyond

whatever the world/the devil/the ego throws at us –

we always include and then transcend

all attempts to deconstruct the Truth.